The biggest parody in the history of motion pictures, I believe, will happen next month. Seriously, nothing can prepare Malaysia for the most humourous calamity of cinematic proportions.

 

Cicak-Man! (Yes, they have a flashy website, much like many foreign movies these days.)

 

To borrow and translate a line from Superman:
"Lihat kat langit tu!"
"Burung ke?"
"Kapal terbang kot."
"Laa, Cicak-Man konon."

 

Cicak-Man's probably like Spider-Man; you know, the whole sticking to walls thing, superhuman strength, just that Cicak-Man's got a nasty tongue to lick and whoop the villain's ass. They could make Cicak-Man as a member of the 'Liga Keadilan Malaysia' (LKM). Okay, so it doesn't have quite the same ring as Justice League of America but what the heck.

 

Together with other superheroes of the LKM, Cicak-Man and his 'member-member' would battle the evil forces of pirated DVD peddlers, 'duit kopi' policemen, snatch thieves, and Mat Rempits.

 

So who's in this LKM? Well, for sure we must have Keluang-Man. He's arguably the pioneer of super-heroism in Malaysia. His alter-ego is that of a mental patient, which makes it easy for him to sneak out at night and be the local crime fighter. Okay, now we need a sidekick for Keluang-Man. Let's call him Pipit (you know, burung pipit). Pipit can be one of the minders at the mental hospital where Keluang-Man stays.

 

The LKM also needs someone to man their headquarters, The Tempurung. And who better to do it than Katak-Man cos he just loves to hide under there.

 

No superhero story would be complete without villains! The crime lord behind the world of criminals would be The Biawak. I mean, the name itself sounds menacing enough - Biawak. Go on, say it - BIAWAK. Enough to send shivers down Keluang-Man's underwear and up Pipit's armpits. The Biawak is just plain BIG, with powers of camouflage, like the colours of Benetton.

 

Right, so The Biawak needs minions. Bring on the triad of pestilence - The Nyamuk, Black Lalat, and Lipas-Man. The Nyamuk could suck the shit out of our heroes and Black Lalat, well, he'll just give you a bad shit. And Lipas-Man? I don't know. Maybe he could scare the shit out of people by being dirty and smelly.

 

So that's the gist of it, from my point of view. Come to think of it, can you imagine the possibilities from this franchise? Just keep adding them heroes and villains - Belalang-Man, Lebah-Man, Roti-Man, etc. We're talking movies, comics, cartoon series, action figures, and merchandise baby! Okay, so who wants to buy my ideas? I'm all ears.

...does money change people in ways we never expect?

 

...does my neighbour's daughter have to turn into such a knockout after high school?

 

...do guys driving modded Proton Wiras have to give me a "you-stole-my-mother's-roti-canai" look when I get the better of them in my Mitsubishi-powered 16-year old Proton?

 

...do people contact me only when they need help and not to say hi?